I can gauge a lot from a person's appearance, handshake and top fantasy football pick. Here's a quick guide to what someone's choice in the first round says about them.
Peyton Manning
A future Hall of Fame QB who produced the most fantasy points in the NFL last season and is always a sure bet to give players well above average numbers
You like name value. Established brands in clothing, cars or electronics are always garner your purchase. Playing it safe means you'll seldom find a bargain, discover new restaurants or meet interesting people. Nevertheless, taking the road most traveled still serves as your number one strategy for success.
- Job you'll have: Senior Account Executive at a company we've all heard of but aren't excited about.
- Who you'll marry: The high school/college steady who's held you down for years through good times and bad times. You'll parent 2.5 kids plus a dog.
Johnny Manziel
The Heisman winning, polarizing QB may still have a lot to learn before dominating the pros
You know enough about sports to hold a short conversation without sounding clueless, but not enough to say anything meaningful beyond "did you see ______ yesterday.?" Facts like Johnny Manziel riding the bench indefinitely weren't mentioned in the 15 seconds you listened to sports talk during your morning commute. In most cases, you didn't actually see ______ do anything yesterday, the week before or ever. Your desire to gain acceptance without doing a shred of the leg work will prove costly.
- Job you'll have: Hotel Guest Services Agent. Your ability to fake real knowledge in a number of areas will make you master of front desk check-in small talk.
- Who you'll marry: The guy/girl you saw at the one party... well actually you just heard they were there... you eventually Facebook chatted... nobody really knows how you ended up together.
Giovanni Bernard
This second year RB was a fan favorite on HBO's Hard Knocks and has the potential to breakout this season. Makes millions but drives a used mini-van, because irony is the best policy
Everyone thinks you're the coolest guy in the room. At least everyone else in the room who really knows what's new and cutting edge. The term trendy is an insult to you. Something isn't trendy until everyone's doing it, and by then you've moved on. Your thinking isn't common. You're not trendy; you're next level.
- Job you'll have: You don't have a job; you have interests. This doesn't earn you much money, but it's a good excuse for selling all of your possessions to live in one of those cost-saving mini-houses.
- Who you'll marry: The who doesn't matter as much as the how. Anyone who agrees to a minimalist ceremony in an urban setting where everyone is barefoot and craft beer is served during the toast is a keeper.
Jimmy Graham
A TE who's offensive stats are normal for an elite player, but rank well above everyone else at his position
While most of us aim for the biggest prize, you think in more modest terms. You just want to be better than the person next to you. Big fish + small pond= happiness.
- Job you'll have: Co-host for a small market morning news show. Nothing incredible on its own and you have contemporaries doing bigger things in tougher places. But you know, it sure beats what most of your friends are doing.
- Who you'll marry: The guy/girl who wasn't the smartest or best looking in your freshmen class, but was head and shoulders above the other options in your English class.
Josh Gordon
A good WR who makes bad decisions
You know your stuff. You learn from past mistakes and have successfully used them to plan out future decisions. You quickly consider all of your options before making a decision, always heading into challenges well prepared. This has put you on life's fast track: you skipped a grade, finished college in three years and got your masters in 9 months, and owned a home before you turned 25. You finish everything ahead of your peers- including your draft prep. Ready to win your office's keeper league and convinced that Josh Gordon is the next big thing after his monster 2013 season, you nab Gordon in a 3-for-1 deal shortly after the Super Bowl. An idiot co-worker who rode Gordon last year's title expresses concern over his off the field issues. The idiot was right- Gordon fails a drug test a week after your trade and could will miss the entire 2014 season.
- Your job: Assistant to the Associate Vice Provost of Equity and Enrollment Ideas for Student Success at your alma mater. It was the first job you were offered.
- Who you'll marry: The first person to like your next Facebook status. Enjoy life with your 3rd grade teacher, weirdo.
Hope you didn't take this seriously. Happy football!
